ibneko: (Default)
Annoying Things To Do On An Elevator

1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"
2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.
4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5) MEOW occasionally.
6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly
7) SAY -DING at each floor.
8) SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.
9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."
11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"
12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."
14) WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.
15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17) HOLD the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"
18) DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"
19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.
21) SWAT at flies that don't exist.
22) CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it.


ibneko: (Default)
If you give an Engineer a Cookie...
He's going to want to make another one.
If he wants to make another one...
He's going to have to have a
computer station to design it.

If you give him a computer station...
He's going to need the latest copy of
"AutoCAD for Bakers"tm to go with it.

If you give him the software...
He's going to discover he needs a copy of
the "Design Specs for Confections" manual.

If you get him the reference manual...
He's going to find he needs copies of all the old blueprints.

If you locate the old blueprints...
He's going to discover that "the last guy
who designed the cookie
was a complete idiot who couldn't
engineer himself out of a paper bag."

If he burns energy explosively
Cursing the previous Engineer...
He's going to want to get some snacks from
the vending machine to eat in his cubicle.

If the Engineer gets some junk food...

He's going to want a cookie!

Andrew Bartmess, (c) 2005
ibneko: (Default)

"I'm concerned that my son has a secret girlfriend?
My 17 year old son has been very secretive with me lately, recently he has started to refuse to go to church with the family and tonight when I was going through his room I found a magazine with naked men in it. He obviously has a girlfriend that he is hiding from me that brought that magazine into my home and I am afraid they are having intercourse and I am greatly concerned that he is going to get her pregnant.

What should I do about this?
1 month ago
Additional Details

1 month ago
He is not a homosexual, we have taught him from the bible and he has learned though our church that this is not in God's plan. I will not teach him about condoms, that is unacceptable, we have always taught him about abstinence and that is what God and his future wife expects from him.

I want to speak to our pastor about this but I am very afraid of what he would think we are teaching our son if he things we are allowing him to sneak a girl into his bedroom. That is clearly inappropriate and we are good parents, I am very afraid what he will think of us."

=.= Oy...
ibneko: (Default)

Cat: "Hey Dad, when we're not stretching, where does the rest of us go?"

ibneko: (Default)
Beers For Geeks

DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz can, but now comes in a 16-oz can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2-oz each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

MAC Beer:
At first, came only in a 16-oz can, but now comes in a 32-oz can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the waste bin.

Windows 95 Beer:
The world's most popular beer. Comes in a 16-oz can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for no apparent reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

Windows 98 Beer:
See Windows 95 beer above. About the same but Windows 98 beer creates less gas and makes you crash less.

Windows 2000 Beer:
A new beer on the market. A lot of people have taste tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks like Mac and OS/2 Beer's can, but tastes like Windows 95/98 Beer. It comes in 32-oz cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16-oz of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 95/98 Beer until their friends try Windows 2000 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS and Mac Beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer:
Comes in 32-oz cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 95 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look like Windows 2000 Beer's, after Windows 2000 Beer starts shipping well. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

Unix Beer:
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8-oz to 64-oz. Drinkers on Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for these occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years...

AmigaOS Beer:
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well, because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. it originally came in a 16-oz can, but now comes in 32-oz cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

Windows XP Beer:
A solid and stable beer that finally does what it should. After Windows ME Beer, which by simply opening one near a car, would cause you to crash, this is a welcome change. While at its heart, it is similar to Windows 2000 Beer, this version is easier to open and tastes a little better. Available in 32 oz cans, with rumors of 64 oz cans available, though impossible to find anywhere, and even if you did find one, you would be better off with the 32 oz can.

Windows Vista Beer:
While countless improvements were promised over XP Beer, most of them are unnoticable, with the exception of the fact that, while still a 32 oz can, (a 64 oz can is available, though it is still not compatible with most glassware) the can now takes up far more space than a 32 oz can of XP beer did, and, unless you just bought a new refridgerator, your current fridge may not have the storage capacity to hold Vista Beer, and if it does, it probably won't have enough power to keep it cool. Unless you buy a new fridge with Vista Beer already inside, it is recommended that you stick with XP beer for now.
Also, whenever you go to open one, it warns you that it may make you intoxicated, and asks you whether you wish to cancel, or allow you to open it.



Jun. 19th, 2008 02:01 am
ibneko: (Default)
Unix Express: Split into three operating companies.

Linux Cooperative:
All passengers bring a piece of the aeroplane and a box of tools with them to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they want to build and how to put it together. Eventually, the passengers split into groups and build several different aircraft, but give them all the same name. Some passengers actually reach their destinations. All passengers believe they got there.
Apple Airlines:
The terminal is neat and clean, the attendants are attractive, the pilots very capable, the planes are beautiful, and you always reach the correct destination... unfortunately they have a fairly small fleet, most planes have no baggage compartment or overhead storage, and the seats aren't adjustable. Frequent Apple fliers are known to attack anyone who suggests that these are important features.

Legacy Express:
The terminal is neat and clean, albeit in an "industrial" style. You have to choose your plane ahead of time, because different planes only fly to different cities, and if your luggage doesn't match your plane you need to hire a baggage consultant to adjust it to fit. But the planes are fast, efficient, and always arrive on time or even ahead of schedule.

Windows Airlines:
The terminal is very neat and clean, with security barriers every few meters. The attendants are attractive, even if it's kind of creepy how much they want to "help" (especially in the restrooms). The pilots are allegedly very capable, though nobody ever sees them and there's an armed guard by the cockpit door. The fleet of jets it operates are immense. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushing above the clouds, and at 20,000 feet a message pops up on the seat back in front of you asking "Should this plane explode now?".

Some idiot always answers "Yes"

ibneko: (Default)
Confidentiality Note: The information contained in this message, and any attachments, are transmitted in plain text for everyone to see while going across untrusted networks and stored on mail servers and often archived for future reference under the pretense of national security. Although this message is intended solely for the person or entity to which it is addressed, there has been absolutely no attempt made to actually enforce this despite the long standing availability of PGP and other encryption schemes. If you received this in error, please forward this message to everyone you know (except the sender) and laugh hysterically at the misguided notion that unencrypted e-mail is private.

Shamelessly stolen from one of the comments here:

Also, EWWWWW, I'm never using hotel glasses again.


Mar. 12th, 2008 11:19 am
ibneko: (Default)
A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the bed. It was addressed, "Mum." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Mum: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mum, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mum, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children.

Your daughter, Judith

PS: Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

Hah. ::v. amused::
ibneko: (Default)
Via [livejournal.com profile] caronroz, http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2008/feb/11/charliebrooker.relationships

What we really need is a festival to celebrate love's many torments. Bring on Unvalentine's Day

How about a range of cards with bitter messages for ex-lovers - You Ruined My Life or How Can You Sleep at Night?

Charlie Brooker
The Guardian, Monday February 11 2008
This week, millions of people across the country will celebrate the crippling delusion known as "love" by sending flowers, booking restaurants and placing stomach-churning small ads in newspapers. Valentine's Day - the only national occasion dedicated to mental illness - is a stressful ordeal at the best of times.

If you've just started seeing someone, the day is fraught with peril. Say your current dalliance only began less than a month ago: is sending a card a bit full-on? What if you ignore it, only to discover they've bought you a 5kg Cupid-shaped diamond in a presentation box made of compressed rose petals?

Few things are worse than receiving a heartfelt Valentine's gift from someone you're still not sure about. It's a crystallising moment: chances are you'll suddenly know, deep in your bones, that they're not the one for you. And while your gut contemplates that sad reality, your brain repeatedly screams at your face not to give the game away, and you have to gaze at them with a fake smile and a fake dewy expression, until the pressure and shame involved in maintaining the facade makes you start to hate them for pointless reasons, like the stupid way they sit, or the stupid way they breathe, or the stupid way their pupils dilate when they look at you, planning your life together.

For those in established relationships, it's a perfunctory, grinding ceremony. On February 14 restaurants nationwide play host to joyless couples begrudgingly sharing an overpriced meal in near-silence, each of them desperately trying to avoid a row because, well, it's Valentine's Day, and nothing says "I sort of love you, I think, although I can't really tell any more" quite like the ability to sustain an awkward, argument-free detente for one 24-hour period a year.

And, of course, if you're single, it's a thudding reminder of your increasingly desperate isolation. You're stranded somewhere out on Thunderbird Five, picking up chuckles and kissy-sounds from the planet below, separated from the action by the cold gulf of space. It's especially sharp if you've just been dumped and are feeling pretty raw about it, thanks. Under those circumstances, it's a cruel joke: you're like a one-legged man on National Riverdance Day.

What's required is something to redress the balance: an Unvalentine's Day, if you will. A day that actively celebrates love's festering undercarriage. February 15 is ideal: there will be plenty of willing participants by then. Of course, if Unvalentine's Day is going to succeed, it will require commercial backing - which shouldn't be a problem, because there are loads of money-spinning opportunities here.

First off, how about a range of Unvalentine cards containing bitter messages for ex-lovers? Typical example: a mournful cartoon bunny with a harpoon lodged in its chest cavity, staggering blank-faced into oncoming traffic, with YOU RUINED MY LIFE printed across the top in massive, scab-red lettering. Or perhaps a Photoshopped image of Hitler snoozing in bed, accompanied by the words HOW CAN YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT? Naturally, each card would have a little poem on the inside, something such as: Roses are red/Violets are blue/I'm a meaningless robot/Molested by you.

There would also be a range aimed at disillusioned long-term couples: epithets include I CAN'T TAKE MUCH MORE OF THIS, IT ISN'T REALLY WORKING, and our-bestseller, the starkly effective DYING INSIDE.

The aforementioned restaurants can get in on the act too, by hosting Unvalentine meals specially designed for couples on the verge of a break-up. There'd be no red wine, so you can chuck drinks over each other without ruining your clothes, and all the food would be incredibly spicy, so when you tell your partner of seven years that you're seeing someone else, and tears start pouring down both your faces, anyone nosey enough to look on will simply think you're reacting to the chillies. The toilets would be manned by male and female prostitutes, so you can indulge in some cathartic, self-hating rebound sex within five minutes of getting the old heave-ho.

Cheating on your partner, incidentally, is actively encouraged on Unvalentine's Day. Consider it a 24-hour carte blanche to shag whoever you please. Developing an obsession with someone in the office? Get it out of your system on February 15! Let's face it, it's probably good for both of you in the long run.

As well as celebrating the death of existing loves, Unvalentine's Day can also accommodate all the loves that never were: the thwarted crushes, unrequited yearnings, and hopeless unspoken dreams. So if there's a friend you're desperately holding a candle for, even though they've pointed out time and time again that it's never going to happen, this is your "me-time": you're permitted to call them up and howl down the phone for half an hour, or stand pleading outside their window like a sap. And for one day only, it's illegal for anyone to pity you.

In summary, Unvalentine's Day promises to be the most coldly practical celebratory festival in history - a far healthier affair than Valentine's Day itself. True love is so uncontrollably delightful, there's no need to set aside a mere day in its honour. As for love's torments - well, it's probably best to compress and release them in a single, orderly burst, once a year. And that day is February 15. Mark it in your diary. Next to the tearstains.

This week Charlie bought a new computer and spent what seemed like 5,000 hours clicking dialog boxes in Windows Vista: "Which feels more like a satirical cartoon about infuriating bureaucracy than an operating system."

Yes, This little Kitty has Someone right now, but the article amused me anyways.
ibneko: (Default)

:D So cool.

::prods people:: Anyone get a firsthand experience? Daphu?
ibneko: (Default)
Free shipping until friday: http://www.stagehandtees.com/index.html

A shirt I'd like someday, 'cause it's nice and blunt, and I've really want to say that someday (and have wanted to say it):
A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine

Something Lady could use:
Roll of Black Gaffer's Tape ... $15
New Box of Sharpies ... $10
Mag Light, Sharpened Pencils, Band-Aids, Ibuprofen, Ice Pack, Safety Pins & 3 Yards of Tie-Line ... $50

Knowing you're ready for anything: priceless

There are some problems that fix themselves.
For everything else, there's the Stage Manager!

And the odd inner child t-shirt that... doesn't link to a purchase page:
"I killed and ate my inner child.
Tasted like chicken"
ibneko: (Default)

Via [livejournal.com profile] dduane

We are heartbroken to report that despite our best efforts, including sending them a muffin basket, making them a mix CD, and standing outside their window with a boombox blasting Peter Gabriel songs, our talks with the WGA have broken down. Quite frankly, we're puzzled as to why this happened. We talked about it all the way home – after we walked into their hotel room, slapped our list of demands on the table and abruptly left the negotiating session – and none of us could figure out what went wrong.

While we're not going to point fingers or assign blame, we do feel justified in saying that they are entirely at fault. The AMPTP has successfully concluded 306 major agreeements with unions since its founding in 1982, and there has never been an incident like this. Except for that writers' strike in 1985. And the directors' strike in 1987. And that other writers' strike in 1988. Aside from three isolated incidents, however, this strike is completely without precedent.

We believe our New Economic Partnership™ proposal – under which the average salary for writers making between $220,000 and $240,000 would be $230,000 – is the single greatest document since the Magna Carta. And we have proved, over the last five months, that we want writers to participate in producers' revenues. Mostly by repeatedly saying, "we want writers to participate in producers' revenues." Still, we must be clear: Under no circumstances will we knowingly participate in the destruction of this business. If we destroy this business, it will only be through accident and incompetence – that's the AMPTP Pledge®!


(there's more. Click the linky. Read the FAQ. Actual website for AMPTP is found at AMPTP.org, but it's more boring there, so you should actually spend more time at AMPTP.com instead. ;D )
ibneko: (Default)
Recent away message, quoted from my ECE445 professor:
"You know those warning stickers? They're there for a reason. Like, 'Don't use your hairdryer internally'."

And a comment I made elsewhere that's... not as amusing, but... it amuses me and I don't want to lose it.
I'm a maaaaaaaaale striiiiper and I'm oooo kay~
I work all night and I sleep all day

I shimmy up poles, I kiss and hump,
I go stage and sing.
On Wednesdays I go fucking,
And find STDs for me.

I'm a maaaaaaaaale striiiiper and I'm oooo kay~
I work all night and I sleep all day

I shimmy up poles, I skip and jump,
I like to kiss hot men,
I put on nurses clothing,
And take the M- CATS.

I'm a maaaaaaaaale striiiiper and I'm oooo kay~
I work all night and I sleep all day

I shimmy up poles, I wear high heels,
Suspenders and a bra,
I wish I were a doctor,
Just like my dear mama.

ibneko: (Default)
Person A: In that case, I say we tar and feather him
Person B: I was thinking more tar and gzip him...

Hehehe. ^^;;;

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